Home sweet home
December 15, 2012 § Leave a comment
Moving around, like I have the past months, brings out feelings and thougths about having a home.
I´ve always travelled a lot. Whenever I had a chance I´d store my things and pack a bag and go – 2 weeks, 1 month, 2 months – the longer the better. It was never about seing the Pyramids or the Coloseum. I was looking for that place where I could feel at home. Somehow I always had a feeling that though I was born in Denmark I belonged somewhere else and would never be happy until I found that place. People around me might have thought me rootless or even restless because I never stayed in the same place for long. Even in Denmark I lived in so many different houses that I have lost count.
It made me feel like something was wrong with me because I wasn´t able to do like everybody else. Get an education, find a good job, get married, buy a house and have children. Part of me wanted all that but I was looking for something more – a meaning, myself, my life. And so I looked everywhere I could think of. In every person I met, in countries and cities all over the world. I tried different types of work and taught myself various skills and foreign languages, studied Watsu and practised yoga.
Though some of it was very interesting and inspiring and I had many fantastic experiences I never found what I was looking for. That slightly unhappy feeling kept coming back. And in desperation I unconsciously threw myself into hopeless and destructive situations and relationships.
Then one day 3½ years ago my life took a bad turn which finally caused me to stop and see what was going on. It was a horrible wakeup and for a long time it felt like my life was over. But luckily I was not alone. Right there next to me was my mother and no matter what happened, she just stayed there – hugging me, supporting me, loving me. She told me it was ok and that everything would be alright. And very softly she incouraged me to keep breathing and slowly take one step after another until I could breathe and walk on my own.
And what I found, was that my quest to find myself was right, only I had to do the travelling internally instead. But I also realized that my life so far had been necessary for me to reach this point. Then came the process of accepting this and forgiving myself. All this meant that what I´d been looking for everywhere else was somewhere inside of me. And that´s what
I´m looking for now. I find pieces of it here and there but I still need some pieces to make a whole picture. And that is where my home is and I want with all of my heart to be home, to be whole.
So it seems that home is not only about “location location location” but first of all about being quiet enough to be able to listen to my heart and have the courage to follow it.
At this point it feels like it´s finally time to come home. To unite with that physical place on earth that I can call my base, from where I can go out and always come back. I still don´t know exactly where it is and I still get scared that it wont happen – but my heart says it will and so I must have faith and keep reaching out for it. We WILL be together. You and I and our home. Sweet home.
All photos are taken by me in Calella de Palafrugell, Costa Brava, Spain